Sunday, November 17, 2013

What Not Writing Means

On my drive back from Homecoming weekend at USC, I realized that I haven't written a post in four days. Although this may not seem like a big deal, it's the longest I've gone without writing since I started my blog at the end of June. As I drove, I began thinking about what this four day gap meant. I ping ponged between believing it was a good sign and a bad one:

Maybe I was finally embracing normal life?
Maybe I wasn't respecting my grief? 
Maybe I was just busy?
Maybe I was just bottling things up?
Back and forth,
back and forth. 

I was doing it again: over analyzing my way into a corner. Instead of trying to pick apart everything I did or didn't do, said or didn't say, I finally switched my focus onto how I felt. How did these last four days without writing feel for me?

Calm.

During my drive home I was so focused on what not writing said about me and my grieving process that I blocked myself from a very simple answer. Maybe I didn't write because I didn't need to. Once I identified that I felt calm this whole weekend, it made perfect sense to me why I didn't feel the need to write any blog entries. 

In the future, I know there will be days when I'll need to write. On those difficult days I might detach, continuously creating poems and prose inside of my head. But today reminded me that there will also be days when I'm so caught up with life that I'll only have time to share private moments inside of my heart with Blake. Neither type of day is better. Neither means I'm any less respectful to Blake or less respectful to myself and moving forward.

At this point, I know I'm the best judge of what I need and what I don't. The more I trust in my ability to cope with Blake's death, the more confidence I'll have in the decisions I make for myself. If I can build that internal confidence and trust, I'm going to be ok. I don't know when or how, but I'm positive that I will be.

4 comments:

  1. This is beautiful. Im so happy you decided to embrace these feelings without guilt. There is no "How To" guide, follow your heart doll!

    I did have a slight sense of worry when I realized you werent writting :) I kind of panicked. lol. But it was IMMEDIATELY followed and engulfed by a strong feeling that you were having fun and living. That is so important. Love you girl!

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    1. Aww, Lauren! That means so much to me that you noticed I hadn't been writing and were worried about me. That's incredibly sweet, thank you. It's crazy to me that I didn't write all weekend, but even crazier to me that I didn't even feel like I needed to! In the past I haven't been able to write because I'm away from the computer, or I'm too sad, or I can't find the right words. This was the first time I've experienced not writing just because I felt ok... really awesome to reflect back on and be proud of.

      I'm catching up on your blog right now. Why doesn't it notify me when you write? I am subscribed to your blog, but I don't get any emails. Did I do it wrong?

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  2. I'm super proud of you! I'm sure you felt like you had some independence and control again. Plus that bed day will make you feel like a whole new woman! I was just worried you were having a bed weekend. I knew you were out enjoying life, something or someone or people made me feel at peace. I knew you'd be back when you felt you needed to write. If you don't just share with Blake and keep going girlfriend!
    About the alerts, I just got a new phone so I have to start over brand new. I am not sure at all how to do it on an iPhone. The options don't show the same :/

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    1. Hmm ok, I will try to figure it out!

      xoxo

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